It does get better!

This post isn't going to be a post I would usually write about, but something sparked this topic today. I was going through my sister's books and found a book called, 'Th1rteen R3asons Why,' curious, I picked it up and started reading it a little. What I was reading soon sucked me in and I was hooked. Now, before I explain what this book is about, let me give you a little insight on why I was so interested but hated this book at the same time! Mind you, I was in middle school when I was going through this.
I was always the 'fat, chubby, porky, disgusting' girl in school. I was called every 'fat' name in the book. I would go to birthday party sleepovers and would get so picked on, I just wanted to run away from the party. I was so scared and I thought that if I stayed at the party, things would get better, and if I ran away, it would make things worse and it would give the kids more of a reason to pick on me. I remember one party I went to, my so called, 'best friend" was having a birthday party, we were in sixth grade. I had fun, I was enjoying myself, playing games, laughing with the rest of the girls. I stepped out of her room to get some water and came back and the door was locked. I knocked and they wouldn't let me in, they said, 'no fat girls allowed.' Devastated, I sat on her couch downstairs and cried. Her Dad came home and saw me sitting on the couch alone and asked what was wrong, I just told them that they weren't being very nice. He took me upstairs and demanded them to open the door. He had a talk with them about, "fat girls have feelings too," and left. Wow, some talk, huh? So, the girls let me back in. I decided to put that aside and have fun. I had a blast the rest of the night, but when we went to bed, was the worst of it all. We were all laying in the living room in our sleeping bags and laughing and telling jokes. Well, I fell asleep first but I kept waking up and I would lay there. I didn't want anyone to know I was awake for some reason. I woke up one time and heard everyone laughing at me and how 'I was as big as a house' and everyone there called me porky and laughed, and had a good ole time. Jokes on me, huh? Well, I fell back asleep and woke up with peanut butter all over my face, maple syrup in my sleeping bag and gum and jelly in my hair. I was so embarrassed. I called my mom to come pick me up, but thankfully I was cleaned up by then, I put on a smile and told my mom everything was fine and I had a blast. Little did she know, it was a memory that would forever be imprinted in my brain.
Things like this kept happening. I lost friends because they were too embarrassed to be seen with me. I would get pushed into lockers. I would be given notes saying someone wants to go out with me, and at the end of the letter I would read the words, 'just kidding, you're too fat for a boyfriend.' I've heard it all.. I had no one. I was alone. I became severely depressed and started self harming myself, I attempted suicide 4 times. It was a very dark place in my life. I wouldn't eat due to my decreased appetite for food.. for life.
My mom got a call one day from someone who I still to this day, do not know who it was, saying I was trying to kill myself. My mom rushed home and found me on the bathroom floor about to swallow 24 (counted after) pain killers. I don't like to think about where I would be if my mother hadn't come home. I don't know who called her, but it was a gift from God, a sign from God that I am not alone, that someone does care. That was the last time I ever harmed, or tried anything stupid.
A year went by and I started High School, and although many people say High School are the worst years of their life, they were the best for me. I became confident, and made a lot of friendships that I still have, 7 years later.
With that said, the book I was reading today, was about a girl who committed suicide, but before she did, she left cassette tapes to 13 people explaining why each of them was a reason why she committed suicide. Sounds disturbing, I know. But it made me think.. If those people at the birthday party, or people at school who would make fun of me, or those "friends" who left me because I was too embarrassing, if they knew how much they hurt me, if they knew how much their negative comments towards me, hurt me.. If they knew, I would think things would be a lot different.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here, telling those of you who are having a hard time to tell those who have hurt you that you want to hurt yourself and maybe even kill yourself. What I am saying is directed to those who have picked on people - who have called someone fat, ugly, a bitch, worthless.. Think about what you're saying and how bad you might be hurting that person you're directing it too. It does hurt and it can affect people in many different ways. I see bullying happening a lot nowadays, and it breaks my heart. I wish I could tell everyone of you who has been picked on, who has been thrown in lockers, trash cans, been called fat, ugly, disgusting.. It does get better. It hurts going through it, I know, I've been there. But it does get better. I promise you. Hold on and keep your head up as high as you can. And I am here for anyone who ever has a problem with people picking on them or they just want to talk. I know what it's like to feel alone and want to end my life, but don't. Don't do it. It gets better, I promise! :)